put on a happy face :D

I don't really have anything to say but I just wanted to put a post up that isn't so depressing!

"Do not call to mind the former things, or ponder things of the past.
Behold, I will do something new, now it will spring forth; will you not be aware of it?
I will even make a roadway in the wilderness, rivers in the desert." Isaiah 43:18 & 19

God IS faithful!

more than enough

God always has an answer for everything. Sometimes its a blessing, sometimes its plain frustrating because its not the answer we want. I had mentioned in an earlier blog about feeling like Job. Never did I think how much more I would feel like him. Monday I broke up with Justin. This was the hardest thing Ive ever had to do. I say had because it was God's answer to my question and because of circumstances that led to my question. Its been a roller coaster of emotions since. Even though I have the support of many wonderful people whom I love dearly, I still couldn't help but ask the question why.

I knew why in a way because my relationship with God had grown so much while dating Justin and it made me more desperate for Him. God has placed in me a strength I never knew I could have. Yet, I still question why. I was so ready to start a family and I miss that male companionship (when things were going well) that I got from Justin.

Sunday morning started out rough and it got worse. I didnt feel like going to worship, but I knew I needed it more than ever. However, sitting in service, I was surrounded by cute, lovey-dovey couples. Normally I smile at the obsurdity of the cuteness, but that day it was just another reminder rubbed in my face that I am, once again, alone.

Back to the "God has an answer for everything," every single song we sang that day had in the lyrics about God being more than enough and His grace is enough. My first thought was, "what a copout, how am I supposed to feel that way when I want so much to be with my soulmate (whomever he is now)." But God is right (as always, once again!). I asked Him to make that real to me and allow me to be content with the situation I'm in now. I still don't always feel that way, but I'm coming closer to a heart-understanding of it.

broken once again...

I'm here again
A thousand miles away from you
A broken mess, just scattered pieces of who I am
I tried so hard
Thought I could do this on my own
I've lost so much along the way

Then I'll see your face
I know I'm finally yours
I find everything I thought I lost before
You call my name
I come to you in pieces
So you can make me whole

I've come undone
But you make sense of who I am
Like puzzle pieces in your eye

Then I'll see your face
I know I'm finally yours
I find everything I thought I lost before
You call my name
I come to you in pieces
So you can make me whole!

I tried so hard! So hard!
I tried so hard!

Then I'll see your face
I know I'm finally yours
I find everything I thought I lost before
You call my name
I come to you in pieces
So you can make me whole
So you can make me whole

i'm desperate for You

Its amazing what it takes to see our desperate need for Christ. Before I met my fiance, I told God I wanted to become completely dependent on Him. For the first time in a really really long time, I was not only content, but excited about being single. When I consciously placed Christ as my first love at the center of everything I did, my relationship with Him started growing wildly!

I was ecstatic, but then became confused. God brought Justin into my life. Knowing how I was with relationships, I was afraid that I would try to find my completeness in Justin. Through some really tough situations, I've learned that I need Christ more desperately. I've always heard keep Christ at the center of your relationship, but now I'm seeing results of doing so. He is constantly answering my prayers and is on top of it in ways that blow my mind.

He is so faithful, and even though He has brought the love of my life into my world, it has grown my love for Him even more. God's working through my life a lot. I'm a very opinionated person and my first instinct is to do whatever it takes to get MY opinion across.

My mother wisely advised me that the hardest thing to do is to not yell, but pour water on the fire. She's very right. God's given me a spirit of patience and grace and gentleness that, in my own power, would never happen. I hate that its taken this long and for a relationship to bring me to this point, this sometimes very painful point, in my life. I've learned that two people cannot work unless Christ is at the center. Even then it is a daily battle.

So whoever reads this, please pray for me! Pray that even when I don't feel like it, that I will bring only unconditional love into my relationship with Justin. Thank you :)

lovely day

Kelly and I discovered our new favorite place today. I found out we have a blue hole here too!!! The only one's I had been to are in Belize and Jamaica. But this one is only about 45 min from my house!! Here are some pics of the blue hole plus other falls around it:

go away winter! boo!

Oh my gosh!!!! Never have I been so tired of winter! Seriously, its staying past its welcome.

Along with being a nursing student comes "hyperdiagnosissyndrome". I have officially diagnosed myself with, among many other things, SAD (seasonal affective disorder). Late fall and winter, for me, brings slight depression, erring on the side of blah, lack of motivation to eat right and workout.

But when the days start getting longer and the sun shines more and there's hope of not having to throw on gloves and a scarf to walk to my car, my days are so much more pleasant and happy. I'm getting back into working out 3 times a week and I feel better already! I've even started going to the tanning bed. Not too much because I don't want to look 60 when I'm 40, but just seeking a healthy glow.

With every diagnosis, there must be an intervention and goal. Intervention: Move to Florida!! Goal: I will be living there with my honey by the time we're 30. Now all I have to do is convince him to move.....

feeling a bit like Job

Much prayer is needed in the Strickland and Hazlewood households. Justin's uncle Bebo died last night after being sent home with nothing more that could be done for him. His family is having a really tough time. I've been praying a lot for them, especially for Bebo's grandkids. They were super close from what I know. This has been one of those days where shit hits the fan.

I want to cry so bad and its right there. My Gammy (I hate to have favorites, but she is my favorite grandmother) had heart surgery a week ago. She's on a ventilator now. It sucks cause I can't go see her because she lives in Wilmington NC. My great aunt Georgia on my mom's side, from what it sounds like, is in her last few hours. Times like these, I sometimes want to be like Job's wife, but cursing God and dying aren't the way to deal with it.

Job was an amazing man of God. Praising God under the crappiest circumstances isn't what I automatically feel like doing. But maybe thats my problem. Feelings get us in a lot of trouble sometimes. We act on them. We let them control our attitudes. We let them get in the way of the big picture. I'm sure Job didn't "feel" like praising God, but he didn't let feelings cloud is understanding that God is in control. I don't understand why and how God choses His timing.

But thats ok. There are some things that are ok not to understand. It'd probably blow our finite minds if we could. I think Job understood that and praised God for who He is and how He was going to be blessed. My Mom said something that made my heart smile. "Wouldn't it be cool if Aunt Georgia and Gammy could be with their husbands again on Valentines".....

its official!

Justin has an interview with Jonesborough PD on Monday at 11am!!! We are praying our butts off that he gets it. That and I'm still hunting for an apartment for him. No luck just yet. The best part is that I get to see him only in a few days... :)

gotta love that man

My wonderful FDH has a way of making me sometimes think what the crap are you smoking? This evening I was talking on the phone with him and he was all excited because he found what he is going to give me as my wedding gift.

I assumed his excitement was a reflection of what mine would be. Never assume. He told me he is going to get me a Mallard [duck] wine holder. You're kidding right? No no...not at all. The convo went something like this

Me: "Honey, is this gift for me or you?"
FDH: "It's for you!"
"Just so you know, I'm not going to have a country kitchen so its not going to go"
"Yes it will"
"No, it can go in your 'man room'"
"I think you will like it"
...

Lol he's so cute when he's excited and wont take "no" for an answer. Siiiiigh. I will win this battle...

FYI: FDH is obsessed with duck hunting. Here in lies the reason for the fowl holder.

what bestest friends are for :)

I was this close to being depressed this past weekend. I made plans to stay with "K" Saturday night, but decided I didn't want to get out because I had no motivation. God worked it out perfectly knowing that I really needed some K time :). She was in town and came over to chill.

Because there is absolutely nothing to do on a Saturday night in where I live with next to no money, we did the most sensible thing we could think of: go to Target. We "window shopped" for awhile and regretted that we will never have that apartment together that we could decorate [ we both love shopping for home decor ].

I bought a movie then we came back home to watch it and wait for "D" to get there. All 3 of us have been having a hard time lately, each with different aspects of life. We drowned/ignored our sorrows in some hot fudge brownie sundaes. Which were amazing.

They left, but the weather had gotten so bad and the roads very icey that they ended up coming [ rather sliding ] back to stay the night. The weather sucked but it was sooooo nice having them here. I really do miss dormlife and never thought I would. It really made for a lovely weekend surprise!

may i scream now please

Ok time to vent. Its getting really old being in school. Moving back home was the worst best thing I could do for myself. Yeah it means I dont have to work and can concentrate on school, but I need my own space desperately. [ my room is next to my parents' for God's sake! ]

Its weird. I've lived in this house since I was about 6, minus the 3 years I was out on my own, and the longer I stay here, the less it feels like my home. I know how I like to live and do things, but until I'm done with school, I'm stuck living in someone else's house. I loathe the fact that I can't support myself right now.

I also hate being away from FDH. Night time is the worst. It seems like that's always when you are forced to reflect on what's missing in your life. During the day I can occupy my mind with things I have to do, but it gets to be that time of night, I'm tired and can't suppress the lonliness.

No, it's not like I'm without a place to live or a car or even loving family. It's just not the same. This is very personal, but I'm tired of keeping it to myself. I always feel a little better after I write how I feel...

Fish

yay for an update!

Good news!!!!! The PO at Jonesborough has already left the department! Justin's excited and so am I :). He's very hopeful but still asked me to pray harder. He is going to call the Major at the PD to let him know he is still very interested in the job and hopefully set up an interview. Justin and I both feel at peace about the situation believe this is where God wants him right now.

On a side note, spring semester begins tomorrow bright and early. I've had such a relaxing break I'm not sure I'm ready to get back to the real world.

Still praying about Justin's situation and hopeful to have my honey with me soon!!!

And hopeful that if he gets the job, we can get married a little sooner...

a happy little side note :)

Justin finally heard from his buddy, Hensley, about the Jonesborough PD. He had sent in his application before Christmas because Hensley [a buddy from the Academy at Fort Donleson]. Hensley has been putting in a good word for my FDH and a guy was supposed to be fired there because evidently he's just not a good cop. We hadn't heard any more about it since the week before Christmas. I had pretty much lost hope. Hensley had good news though! The guy that is to be fired was given 30 days [not sure what that was pending on] so now he will probably be fired in 3 weeks from now. The good thing is the Chief seems impressed with Justin's application, the only problem is that whomever they hire will be immediate. So, if Justin is offered the job in say 3-4 weeks, he has to leave South Fulton then to take it or else they will give it to someone local. I think he's somewhat shellshocked but he says he's excited. He's been praying a lot about it and has a peace that this is where God wants him for now. I've been praying too. Perhaps a little selfishly because I want him here so badly. So, Lord willing it looks like it wont be long before we can actually be physcially together...

my honey surprised me!

I shouldn't have waited so long to blog. There is so much to write about. First off, I think this was the best Christmas break I've ever had. My parents, brother and I went to Wilmington NC to visit Gammy, Uncle Don and Aunt Ann. We had our second Christmas there because we didn't want to drag our presents down there so the night before we left we opened gifts at home. The whole time in NC I was looking forward to my trip to see Justin.

Its not like I didn't enjoy my family, but all I wanted for Christmas was to be with him. Christmas Eve I got a call from Justin. I hadn't heard him so angry before. His captain screwed up his days off and gave him the friday and saturday after Christmas off. I felt bad for him but was also excited to get to see him sooner. My family and I left early that friday morning for home. Justin was there when we got in taking a nap at Gma's. He had worked the night before and then headed straight for east TN. Bless his heart, he was so exhausted. He spent the night at the house then we left saturday morning.

[Justin got a digital camera for Christmas and I was playing with it in the car on the way up there].

Justin and I had decided that when we have our Christmas with is family, we'd keep back one special/big gift to give when we were back at his house. The entire month of December he'd been talking about this gift he was excited about and how he was working on it for weeks. I bugged him about it and he gave me one hint: wedding. Well, that could be anything. Justin also later added that I had to do a scavenger hunt to get my gift. So he told be right before we got into South Fulton that I couldn't come in to his house before we went to his mom and dads for supper.

I had told him earlier that I'd kind of like to meet Bailey, his new jack russell terrier puppy. I waited in the truck at his house while he ran inside to do who-knows-what. About 10 minutes later he stuck his head out the door and motioned me to come inside. I walked into the kitchen and noticed on the carpet rose petals trailing towards his bedroom.

The house was dimmly lit and I could hear music coming from his room. At the door to his room, I could see rose petals leading up onto his bed and tea lights on all his furniture. He walked over to the bed and picked up a bath and body set. He told me he wanted to make sure my stay there was relaxing and romantic because of my rough semester of nursing school. I couldn't help it, I grabbed him and just held on and kissed him. I am so blessed to have such a wonderful man! Justin then walked to the dresser and picked up a Zales box that looked like the one my engagement ring came in. They was chocolate pearl earrings!!! And THEN he kissed me and told me he was going to run a bath for me and pour some wine! I was in shock! I mean he's a wonderful man and romantic, but I never thought he was this romantic! So I had a lovely candle lit cherry blossom bubble bath with a Shrek glass of wine. Hee hee...he had to put his own touch. There is lots more that happened while I was in his home town, but I'll leave the rest for another blog...Man I love my sexy cop!!!